Baseball BeatAugust 02, 2006
This Song Has No Title
By Rich Lederer

It's difficult trying to be Captain Fantastic every article so I decided to enlist Elton John's help in breaking down the division races as the season enters the dog days of August. Born Reginald Kenneth Dwight and knighted in 1998, Sir Elton has sold over 250 million records and recorded over 50 Top 40 hits, making him one of the most successful musicians of all time.

Without further ado or Bernie Taupin, I present the current standings and the former owner of the Watford Football Club's views on each of the 30 MLB teams.


EAST           W  L  PCT  What Elton John Has to Say
New York      62 41 .602  Bernie and the Jetes
Boston        63 42 .600  (David Ortiz) Saved My Life Tonight
Toronto       57 49 .538  Grow Some Funk of Your Own
Baltimore     49 59 .454  Better Off Dead
Tampa Bay     44 63 .411  Whipping Boy
CENTRAL        W  L  PCT  What Elton John Has to Say
Detroit       71 35 .670  Don't Go Breaking My Heart 
Chicago       63 42 .600  You Can Make History
Minnesota     61 44 .581  Midnight Creeper
Cleveland     46 59 .438  (Gotta Get) A Meal Ticket
Kansas City   37 69 .349  Nobody Wins
WEST           W  L  PCT  What Elton John Has to Say
Oakland       56 51 .523  Tell Me When the Whistle Blows
Los Angeles   55 51 .519  Roy Rogers (or Was it Gene Autry?)
Texas         53 54 .495  Texas Love Song
Seattle       52 54 .491  Take Me To The Pilot(s) 


EAST           W  L  PCT  What Elton John Has to Say
New York      63 42 .600  Believe
Philadelphia  50 55 .476  Philadelphia Freedom
Florida       50 56 .472  Whenever You're Ready
Atlanta       49 56 .467  Where Have All the Good Times Gone?
Washington    48 59 .449  Funeral for a Friend
CENTRAL        W  L  PCT  What Elton John Has to Say
St. Louis     58 47 .552  High Flying Bird(s)
Cincinnati    55 51 .519  The Bitch is Back
Milwaukee     51 56 .477  You're So Static
Houston       50 56 .467  Rocket Man (I Think It's Going To Be A Long, Long Time)
Chicago       44 62 .415  Curtains
Pittsburgh    40 67 .374  Nobody Wins
WEST           W  L  PCT  What Elton John Has to Say
San Diego     55 51 .524  Border Song
Arizona       54 52 .509  Don't Let the Sun Go Down on Me
Los Angeles   51 55 .481  Candle in the Wind
Colorado      51 55 .481  Sacrifice
San Francisco 51 56 .477  Have Mercy on the Criminal

I saw Elton John in concert at the Hollywood Bowl in 1973. He had just released Goodbye Yellow Brick Road, which includes my favorite John song of all time: Saturday Night's Alright for Fighting.

The Oakland A's beat the New York Mets in the World Series that year. Could history repeat itself? We shall see. In the meantime, be sure to check out the The Captain and the Kid, which is scheduled to hit the record stores on September 12, 2006. No, it's not about Jason Varitek and Jon Papelbon. Instead, it's a sequel to Captain Fantastic and the Brown Dirt Cowboy. I know, One Day at a Time.


First reaction: Lame.

Second reaction: Brilliant.

Seriously, excellent work. I don't like using "Nobody Wins" twice. Maybe a brawl will break out Saturday night at either the Pirates or Royals game.

Thanks, Dan. I didn't even realized that Nobody Wins had been used twice. Maybe the Pirates should have been labeled Social Disease.

I don't know, I think it's pretty appropriate tabbing those franchises with that same song. I have to agree with DNL, I'm no Elton John fan but this is very well done and amusing.

I'm not an expert on Elton John, but it seems to me that most of these songs were from the 70s.

Surely 80s songs such as "I guess that's why they call them the blues" (for the Cubs) or "I'm still standing" (for the A's) would have made sense.

You might be able to stretch "Goodbye Yellow Brick Road" for the Royals...

The Baltimore Sun printed the Yankeesd title as Bernie and ther Jets - Yours- Bernie and the Jetes is great!!!